Scene 3
Mortia Viggoson (Narrator) comes onstage with papers in her hand. Takes place at right-front.
Mortia– Hello, I’m Mortia Viggoson, thanks for tuning in to Channel 3-7-9-1 for your 9 o’ clock news. This just in. Someone has stolen LOTR. That’s right folks, from the Legolas standees down to the very last ring, LOTR has disappeared. For more on this breaking news we go to Eli Woody.
Mortia steps back to right-center as Eli comes to center-front.
Eli– This is Eli Woody with Channel 3-7-9-1 news. I’m here in Bloomsville, Orlando where the news is just sinking in. (Bobby comes onstage) You there. Have you heard the news?
Bobby– Yeah, I just can’t believe someone would do something like that. I mean, LOTR belongs to everyone, it’s wrong for someone to hog it all.
Eli– Thank you sir/ma’am. (Bobby exits) Excuse me, have you young ladies heard the news yet?
Betty- (sobbing hysterically) YES! It’s horrible. It’s terrible. It’s the END of the WORLD.
Sally– Hush. Sorry, her entire collection of Legolas memorabilia, including her autographed Orlando Bloom poster, was stolen.
Betty– He’s GONE!
Sally– It is awful. I used to take LOTR for granted, you know? I used to watch it without realizing how lucky I was.
Betty– ORLANDOOOO!! (they exit)
Eli– Well, that was interesting. (Cara comes onstage) Excuse me, what’s your name?
Cara– Cara.
Eli– Right. Carla, have you heard the news?
Cara– It’s Cara, and yes I have.
Eli- How do you feel about it?
Cara– It’s horrid. Why would anyone want to take away something so wonderful?
Eli– A very good question. Why would someone do a thing like this?
Cara– I don’t know, but I intend to do something about this crisis. (exit)
Eli– Well folks, you heard it here first. Alright Mortia, back to you.
Mortia– That wraps it up for now. Thanks for tuning into Channel 3-7-9-1 News.
Mortia exits. Lights go down.
Scene 4
Narrator and Cara come onstage. Narrator takes position at right-front. Cara stands center stage as if frozen while pacing. Lights go up
Narrator– Now out hero had a problem. She had sword to right the terrible wrong, but…<br>
Cara begins to pace.
Cara (thoughtfully)- I have no idea who’s done this terrible deed. They haven’t left a clue, not even a lembas crumb.
(music?) Gandalf comes onstage.
Gandalf– Never fear, I am hear.
Cara– Who are you?
Gandalf– Me? Why I’m (pauses dramatically) SOUP-er Gandalf!
Cara’s mouth drops open in shick.
Gandalf– Doesn’t work does it?
Cara– Nope. Especially not the tights.
Gandalf– I knew I should have gotten the next size up. Darn saleswoman. (pauses, looks at audience) A-HEM! (formally) I hear you seek answers.
Cara– That I do.
Gandalf– I know who it is you seek. You seek the Grunch, hater of all LOTR.
Cara– The Grunch? Are you sure you don’t mean the Grinch?
Gandalf– Yes. The Grinch stole Christmas, totally different story. Didn’t you hear the Narrator during scene 1?
Cara– Guess not. Anyways, where can I find this Grunch?
Gandalf– Do you see that mountain? The really tall one
Cara– Uh-huh
Gandalf– Good. Do you see the castle on the mountain?
Cara (shades her eyes)- Yeah.
Gandalf– Can you see the tallest tower?
Cara takes her hand from her forehead and squints.
Cara– I think so.
Gandalf– Alright, the Grunch lives in the highest room of the tallest tower of the castle on the really tall mountain. Can you remember that?
Cara– Highest room. Tallest tower. Castle. Really tall mountain. Got it.
Gandalf– One more thing. In order to defeat the evil of the Grunch you will need THIS! (pulls out sword) It is the sword of something-or-other, and it will aid you in your quest. (pauses) Now honestly, do you really think the tights are that bad.
Cara– I’m positive, they just don’t go with the whole all knowing wizard role. (pulls out sunglasses and puts them on) And while were talking about your wardrobe, you might want to lay off the bleach. You could blind somebody with that wardrobe.
Gandalf– You have no idea how many people have told me that since the Two Towers. Well, I’m off. (“flies” offstage)
Cara– Honestly, Super Gandalf? (shakes head)
Narrator– And so our intrepid hero took the sword of something-or-other and set out to find the Grunch who lived in the tallest, um,...who lived many miles above sea level. She walked, and she walked, and she walked, and when she was done she walked some more.
Cara– A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
Narrator– Until, at last, she came to the really tall mountain.
Cara– At last, I have reached the mountain. (pantomimes climbing)
Narrator– An so she began to climb. She climbed, and she climbed, and she climbed, and that is where we leave our hero for now.
Lights go out. They exit.
Scene 5
Narrator and Grunch come onstage. Narrator takes normal spot. Grunch sits in a chair center-stage with small table, there is an extra chair in the background. Lights go up.
Narrator– Now it is time to check back with our villain. We find the Grunch in her lair feeling very contrite.
Grunch– I feel contrite.
Narrator– I just said that.
Grunch– I know, but I like the way “contrite” sounds.
Narrator– Do you even know what it means?
Grunch– Nope. But that’s how I’m supposed to feel. Now get back to the story.
Narrator– Now the Grunch realized she that not only had she brought misery upon thousands, she had also misjudged how many boxes she would need to put all the LOTR in all the world into.
Grunch– It’s taking over my living room. I have enough “One” rings to sink a boat, not to mention millions of videocassettes, and Hey! (picks up FOTR video/DVD cover) That looks interesting. (looks around) Well, I guess watching it just once wouldn’t hurt. I’ll let myself enjoy making fun of the characters.
Grunch pantomimes putting video in VCR and turning on TV, etc. then sits in chair and becomes “glued”. Cara comes on stage, freezes.
Narrator– And now we leave our villain to check on our hero…<br>
Grunch freezes as Cara pantomimes climbing stairs.
Narrator– ...who is still climbing.
Cara– Gandalf could have told me I’d have to climb the stairway that never ends. Hey Narrator.
Narrator– Yes.
Cara– Do you think we could skip forward several hours?
Narrator– Okay. (pulls out DVD remote) *click* That better?
Cara– Nope still climbing. Try a little further.
Narrator- *click* How about now.
Cara– Not yet, (sniffs) but I think I smell (sniffs again) popcorn, with extra butter.
Narrator- *click*
Cara pantomimes running into something.
Cara– Oof! (rubs head) Hey! A door. Alright Grunch, prepare to surrender LOTR or die.
Cara pantomimes opening door and walking in room. Grunch sits as if absorbed watching T.V.
Grunch (still watching T.V.)- Who are you?
Cara– My name is Cara Soccomando, you stole my LOTR, prepare to die!
Grunch– Quiet, the movie’s just getting good. (“pauses” movie)
Cara (curious)- What are you watching?
Grunch– The Two Towers.
Cara– Two Towers! Ooh, ooh, ooh, Legolas is about to surf down the stairs.
Grunch– He is?!
Cara– Can I watch?
Grunch– Sure pull up a chair. (“pushes” play)
Both– Oh my gosh, that was sooo awesome!
Cara– I love that scene. (pauses) Wait a minute, I thought you hated LOTR.
Grunch– Can this wait?
Cara– No, it’ll only take a couple of minutes. What happened?
Grunch– I put in the Fellowship of the Ring.
Cara– Ooooooh, that explains it. Wait, you mean you’ve never even seen the movies?
Grunch– I know, I know. I didn’t even watch it to see if I’d like it. But I’m really sorry about what I did.
Cara– So you’ll return everything?
Grunch– Yeah. But can it wait until after the Return of the King?
Cara– You’re going to watch ROTK?
Grunch– Soon as this one is over. Want to watch it with me?
Cara– Sure. You know, I’ve only seen ROTK fifteen times. Isn’t that sad?
They freeze.
Narrator– And so five hours later Cara helped the Grunch return everything to it’s proper home, including the footage for the ROTK Special Extended Edition. Thank goodness, it would terrible if no one was ever able to see the ROTK EE. Oh, and everyone lived happily ever after.
Lights go down. They exit
